“Too many anxious Christians today think that their efforts to preach and teach and enter into outward activities can do more to save the world than the surrender of their souls to God, to become Christ-bearers. They believe that they can do more than our Lady did, and they have not time to stop to consider the absurdity of this. They fear that if the world goes on hurling itself into disaster, as it seems to be doing now, Christ’s kindgom may be defeated. This is not so; Christ has given his word that he will be with and in his little flock until the end of the world.”
Some of you may have seen this Caryll Houselander reflection (the above being an excerpt) from today’s Magnificat.
Boy, did it speak to me.
I’ve not posted much lately, mostly because I’m knee-deep in a St. Therese of Lisieux study guide. And I give a lot of time, energy, and heart to the people who show up in my life in any given day. And my house and yard have become, as I knew they would, huge labors of love.
To that end, here’s a piece of good news: I have discovered OK Feed & Pet Supply here in Tucson, where I can buy bird seed in bulk, and for orders over 50 bucks they deliver locally for free! I ordered online Tuesday night and Wednesday afternoon the order was delivered to my door: no eight emails and texts before saying, “Your order has shipped.” “Your order is coming early!” “Your order is en route!” “Your order is almost there!” “The guy’s pulling up!” “Your order has been delived–HOW WAS IT?” A delivery? How do you think it was?
Best of all, no being bothered after by asking me to rate them, leave a review, buy more stuff from them, et cetera. That is my kind of business. I wrote them an email thanking them and they didn’t answer of which I also approve.
But I digress. For some reason I mis-estimated my limits of time, energy, and writing focus when I signed on to do the study guide. Not that I regret it in the least, as I’m convinced that St. T “chose” me and I despeartely need a dose or a deeper dose of her spirituality. In fact, she has a line somewhere to the effect that the smallest act of obedience is of more value than any book, at which, when I read, I loudly guffawed.
It’s interesting however to see the deep anxiety that arises when I’m not able to “give” in a certain way, specifically in this little newsletter or blog or letter to the world that never wrote to me or whatever it is.
Interestingly, I’m always way more comfortable writing for free than for money. For whatever that’s worth, which is maybe nothing. But it’s also interesting to become more aware of how a lot of my free-floating anxiety is “performance anxiety,” for lack of a better term. But why? No-one’s even looking! Some holdover from childhood where I got straight A’s and won some trophies! Straight A’s equal love! Trophies equal security! We can see the error of my “old ideas” to our intellectual core–but sometimes it takes decades for our nervous system and subconscious to catch up.
With all that–that’s the way it is. That’s the way I am. And more and more I see–it is all right. There are a whole bunch of things that never get healed in this life–or maybe they don’t need to be healed. Maybe everything, just the way it is, is guiding me closer to Christ.
I do know this: my tiny acts of obedience are worth infinitely more than any book, any essay, any post.
And here’s some truly exciting news: The yucca in my front yard–Hesperoyucca whipplei syn. Yucca whipplei), the chaparral yucca, our Lord’s candle, Spanish bayonet, Quixote yucca or foothill yucca–has burst into two towering, lavish, ivory-colored blooms!